// DOSSIER №007 · CLEARANCE: EYES ONLY
Licensed
to Shill.
The name is Pons. James Pons. Agent of the world’s most exclusive agency: people who bought early. $P007 — shaken, not sold.
Classified — One Address, Eyes Only
This dossier is the only briefing. Everything else is a counter-intelligence operation.
—
Field warning. The Agency has one address, and it is printed above. Any other contract is a forgery running a counter-intelligence operation. Verify the address character by character before you buy — the last four are the ones they get wrong. Agents never DM first. If your inbox opens before your wallet does, that is not the Agency.
Parody token. Not affiliated with, endorsed by, or licensed to any intelligence agency, real or fictional.
Cleared by no agency — the SEC’s espionage desk a very confused notary his own tailor
// EQUIPMENT ISSUED
Mission Briefing
Standard issue for every field agent. Handle with gloves. Or don’t.
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The Supply
1,000,000,007 $P007
One billion for the mission. The extra 7 is classified.
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The Tax
0/0
A gentleman never skims.
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The Vault
LP Locked
Behind a laser grid. The lasers are decorative. The lock is not.
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The Audit
Self-Conducted
We investigated ourselves and found ourselves charming.
// INCOMING TRANSMISSION
Your objective, should you choose to fund it.
Headquarters transmits once, then destroys the evidence — a security policy, allegedly, though we suspect it is mostly for the drama. Read quickly. It loops, because the Agency has never once trusted an agent to read quickly.
// OPERATION TIMELINE · PHASES 1–4
The Mission
Four phases. No extraction plan. There never was one.
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Phase 01
Briefing
You buy. Welcome to the Agency. The tuxedo is metaphorical. The bags are not.
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Phase 02
Deep Cover
You hold in silence. Your barber suspects nothing. Your group chat suspects everything.
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Phase 03
The Heist
The chart moves. Nobody knows how. Everyone claims they did.
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Phase 04
Martini
Mission debrief at the bar. Shaken, not sold. It was never sold.
// AGENT DEBRIEFS — DECLASSIFIED
Field Agents
Statements taken under oath, at the bar, at an hour nobody will confirm.
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“They told me 004 was a promotion. Then 007 launched. I have been buying the top of every chart since 1998. My tuxedo is rented.”
Agent 004 retired, involuntarily
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“I engineered a watch that shows the exit liquidity six seconds before it happens. He refuses to wear it. He says the strap does not match the cufflinks.”
Q Branch quartermaster
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“I work for two agencies and I bought with both wallets. Whichever one wins, I was always on that side.”
Double Agent loyalties: pending
// ONBOARDING · FIELD AGENT INTAKE
Accept the Mission
Three steps. The third one is the only one that counts.
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01
Acquire equipment
A wallet. Standard issue. Nothing in it yet, which is arguably the safest it will ever be.
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02
Fund the operation
Only what the Agency can afford to lose with dignity. Dignity is the operative word, and it is load-bearing.
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03
Accept the mission
Buy $P007 — from the address in the dossier, and nowhere else. There is no extraction plan. There never was.
Buy on Pons Verify the address first →
// FREQUENTLY INTERCEPTED QUESTIONS
Debrief
How do I know I have the real contract address?
It is the one in the dossier at the top of this page, and it is the only one. Check it character by character — forgeries get the last four wrong. Agents never DM first.
Is this affiliated with any film franchise?
No. Our lawyer said this answer will also self-destruct, but he was bluffing.
Why is the supply 1,000,000,007?
Classified. (It looked cool.)
Shaken or stirred?
Shaken, not sold. Read the room.
Wen extraction?
Agents who ask about extraction have already failed the psychological evaluation.